The Truth...

I'm tired.  I'm lonely.  I'm thinking about Justin.  I'm thinking about all that "what-if" scenarios our lives could have had.  I feel robbed of life.  I feel like I stopped living on September 26, 2005.  I feel like nobody understands why I am so afraid to move on.  I am wondering why I am even putting this on a public blog.  Maybe it's because am tired of being fake.  Maybe it's because I don't want to put a happy smile on and pretend life is wonderful.  Maybe it's because I want people to know the truth, not for pity, but for understanding.  Maybe I am just feeling hopeless about the future.  And maybe it's just because I am having a bad day...but tomorrow will be better.

I am not sure what triggered tonight's meltdown.  I am not sure why I found myself watching, and re-watching, and re-watching our wedding video.  I am not sure why I was staring at all of our engagement pictures hanging in my bedroom.  I am not sure why I am listening to all the "who you'd be today" songs.  I am not sure why I cannot sleep tonight. 

Maybe it's because of Grandpa.  Maybe it's because I talked with him yesterday and saw the loneliness in his eyes of having two wives pass away.  Maybe it's because I am jealous that he is almost done with this life and can see them again soon.  Then I realize that he has lived for decades without them and I feel so completely overwhelmed about the decades of years I have ahead of me until I am in his position.  I don't understand how he did it.  There is a sacred bond between me and Grandpa - an unspoken bond.  We don't have to say anything to each other, just the look in his eyes lets me know how much he understands.  I feel horrible complaining about the loneliness when he never complains and yet he has so many more years of loneliness under his feet than I do. 

Maybe it's because I see other couples around me that are living the life that Justin and I always wanted.  I know so many people question why I don't just get remarried and have that life instead of yearning for it...but it is something you cannot explain until you go through it.  Justin is not replaceable.  My dreams are not the same anymore - I don't know if I even have any dreams anymore. 

Maybe it's because it is summer and the county fair.  My favorite thing in the world was sitting on the tractor with Justin and going around and around in the fields just talking about everything.  He knew me better than I knew myself.  I miss going to the fairs and rodeos with him.  I miss holding his hand and having him put his arms around me.  I miss watching him get that huge smile on his face when he saw people he hadn't seen since the last fair and shaking their hand.  I miss watching him interact with my little brothers - he was so glad when he finally got little brothers.

Maybe it's because we are coming up on the 6th anniversary of the accident and I feel like it has been eternity since I have seen him but I also remember every single detail as if it was yesterday.  I want to feel him as close to me as I did then...but I feel so distant from him now.  I am confused why there can't be any communication between us.  I just want to talk to him more than anything.

Maybe it's because I don't know if he can see everything I do and I can't see him.  Or maybe he can't see me at all.  Even though I know where he is at, I want to know more.  I want to know if he is sad.  I want to know if he has hard days.  I want to know what he wants me to do.  I want to be a part of his new life but I am so frustrated with the zero communication rule that death gives.  Maybe I took my marriage covenants too seriously.

Maybe it's because I am one class away from finishing my masters degree and he won't be here to celebrate with me.  Or maybe it's because this program has taken over my life for the past two years and kept me busy...and I'm scared that when it's over I won't have anything to keep me busy anymore...or anything to work towards.  Maybe it's because I remember talking to Justin when I finished my bachelors that I would like to get my masters one day and he was completely willing to sacrifice to let me do it...little did I know he would sacrifice his life so I could go. 

Maybe I am scared that the grieving process never ends.  So many people question why I am so hung up on Justin but they just don't understand.  It isn't for the attention, it isn't because I love the single life, it isn't because I love my career more than marriage, it isn't because I'm scared of having kids, etc.  It's because I truly and honestly gave my entire heart away and it was shattered and broken.  I don't trust anymore.  I don't want to be that vulnerable again.  I don't want to create new dreams and have them shattered again.  I don't want to feel like my life is spinning out of control again.  I don't know how to break down the layers of walls I have built up around my heart and some days I don't know if I even want to.  Maybe I don't want to feel anymore.  Maybe I am so numb emotionally that it is impossible for me to feel again. 

But I think what it really is, is a lack of hope.  Hope is a word I do not understand.  Hope is confusing to me.  Hope is something that seems unattainable.  When I really think about the hope of being happy again in this life...I just can't comprehend it.  To be point blank, I cannot be truly, 100% be happy again until I am dead and with Justin again.  That does not sound like hope to me...but it is my reality.  Sure I can "move on" with life, have a family, build our dream home, etc...but that still isn't true, 100% happiness.

Will I regret posting this on my blog tomorrow?  Yes, I probably will.  I don't like sharing my innermost thoughts to everyone, but tonight I wanted to share the truth.  I don't want pity.  I know that everyone has trials - hard trials, I understand that.  But maybe I just want understanding.  Maybe I want those who are married to realize how blessed they are.  Maybe I want them to make their marriages even stronger because you never know what life will throw at you.  Maybe I don't even know why I wanted to tell the truth, but I just did.

Do I expect everyone to understand this post?  No.  It is not something you understand until you experience it.  Am I stubborn about the future?  Yes.  Will I still put on a fake smile?  Yes.  Will I still preach at the pulpit how amazing trials are because they make you a better person?  Absolutely - I firmly believe that.  As crazy as this sounds, I am grateful for this trial, which is probably confusing to understand once you have read this post, but I am.  It's definitely hard, yes, but one day...one day far far far far far in the future I will be happy again and it will be worth it.

I am grateful for understanding family and friends.  I realize there are so many blessings because of this trial, but sometimes I just want to tell the truth.  I know that tomorrow is a new day, and it will be a good day.  Life is good, just hard.  So here it is...the truth from my point of view.